Review's Resort: Game of Thrones: Beyond the Wall

"The Great War is here."

Hello everyone!

Even at the seaside, I can't resist the lure that is Game of Thrones. I mean, come on, who could?

Definitely not me.

Besides, there's something incredibly poetic about watching a big-ass dragon torch anything and everything in front of him while I'm sitting on the large terrace listening to the sea on the beach not too far away.

But I digress.

The penultimate episode of the season left us with one big-ass WHAT just as the episode ended (and you can see I love the term big-ass; I'll be using it a lot when it comes to the dragons, sorry-not-sorry!), but also with a sense of ... hey, guy ain't fooling around no more.

Beyond the Wall promised a lot - and delivered.

Unlike ALL the previous episodes this season, this one was actually fairly condensed in terms of locations, because all that's actually happening happens way up North - and way more "up" than even those words convey.

I mean, we already know Winterfell is where you DON'T want to be during summer, let alone winter - anything north of that is even WORSE. Bound to be.

But let's pit-stop at Winterfell, first and foremost.

Where the Starks are unravelling while Jon is off on the hunt, and I'm not saying this to be nice, they're actually coming apart at the seams.

Remember that note Arya found in the previous episode? The one written by little Sansa, terrified and alone, and forced to do it? Well, she goes and confronts her sister about it, going down the more predictable route as opposed to figuring it's just Littlefinger being a jerk. Words are spoken, the sisters have a spat that's been seven seasons in the making, and we all agree that, if the roles had been reversed, neither one of them would be standing where they're standing right now, because Arya would never have survived Sansa's ordeals, and vice versa.

Also, yes, Sansa, we know already, the Vale came to help Jon because of you. We get it.

It doesn't help matters any that she's not really doing much to quiet the rumbling Northern lords, who, in my opinion, are acting like big babies now. They all know what's coming - and that Jon's doing all he can to stop it, so WHY would they expect him to sit on his ass and do nothing? Really, it's like they don't have five brain cells collectively (Lyanna Mormont excluded from this).

Of course, Sansa wants to destroy the note Arya found in any event, because, hey, if named Lyanna ever got wind of it, she'd probaby murder Sansa on the spot, but the Lady of Winterfell finds something else in her baby sister's room: a bag of human faces.

At which point we all realise something is very, VERY wrong with Arya and that along the way, something inside her broke. Sansa can see this - she's terrified (we're ALL terrified - the Starks are a loony bin!).

And what does a terrified Sansa do? What she does best, which is another predictable path as she runs straight to Littlefinger, who actually gives solid advice for once: use Brienne as an intermediary between the Stark girls. Whether he actually meant this, or knew that if he suggested it, Sansa would send Brienne away in doing the OPPOSITE of his suggestion, I have no clue - but damn the man still knows how to play the game better than anyone else.

Side-note: why did Sansa send Brienne as an emmisary to the meet-and-greet at King's Landing, you ask? If you recall, when Jon was invited to Dragonstone, he said something important: as Daenerys is a queen, only a king can parlay with her, not an envoy.

Which is the source of all the North's grumblings ... and now a big middle finger by Sansa because she's done exactly what the lords want, and not what the power players want.

Oh yes, she knows how to play SOME of the game. I'm waiting for the part where Jon gets back to Winterfell and smacks her upside the head, but that's just me.

ANYWAY.

Off we go even further north, to where Jon and his Merry Band of Frozen Popsicles are shuffling and slowly becoming part of the landscape decorations while on the hunt for one of the wights to take to Cersei (at that same meet-and-greet I've already mentioned, by and by). The only way to pass the time is by talking - as in, I think we all agree that if Tormund and the Hound ever get fired from their usual gig, they should rent a house together and have their own sitcom.

A more important bit is the talk between Jon and Jorah Mormont, because Jon offers back Longclaw, the sword Jeor (Jorah's father and late Commander of the Night's Watch, natch) gave to Jon way back when. Jorah declines, saying he let his house and his family down, and Jon should keep the sword, for himself and his future offspring (foreshadowing much?).

Of course all this brotherly bonding is interrupted when we get a vivid reminder that not just men get to have pretty ice blue eyes. Although truth be told seeing a regular bear attacking would be enough for me to run away screaming "MAMA!", but adding the undead factor will do the trick.

Did anyone else notice that the thing was only conquered when Jorah Mormont started swinging his sword?

Call me crazy and seeing coincidences everywhere, but House Mormont has a special affinity for bears: they're the family sigil. Also, most of them look like bears (Lyanna Mormont again excluded). So was this another little hint or am I just becoming paranoid and seeing things where there are none?

Sadly, this is where we part ways with one Merry Popsicle, as Thoros unfortunately gets it. By bear.

What a way to go.

Burning his body being the only reasonable thing to do, Dondarrion whips up his special flaming sword and everyone in the audience goes WHOA I FORGOT ABOUT THIS BIT.

Anyway.

The popsicles do actually bag and tag a wight - and learn something more important along the way.

See, in the group they attracted by fire (because it's so cold up North even undead wights want to get their tans going) there was a White Walker. When said Walker bit the dust, everyone but one other wight fell over like dominoes after him. Which means we're pulling an Originals theme here (sire lines, if anyone's wondering): anything the White Walker resurrected from the dead is bound to said Walker until the moment he meets his demise.

Which is a useful bit of information, because this means that you don't necessarily have to kill ALL the wights - just the White Walkers.

Or, if we're being technical, just the one: the Night King.

Logically, if HE bites it, the entire army should.

Back to the situation at hand - our undead bagged-and-tagged has a set of lungs on him. Which means that every single wight in the undead army heard the screeching and is now on the way to get some new meat, so Jon sends Gendry back to the Wall to send a raven to Daenerys.

Apparently, Baratheon bastards run the fastest. Who knew?

After his own personal marathon, Gendry brings his urgent message to Davos, who sends the needed raven south to Dany. In typical Air Westeros style, while our popsicles are camping out in the middle of the lake waiting fearfully for it to freeze over again because for some reason the undead don't want to get wet (Davy Jones is laughing his barnacles off somewhere), the raven gets there in time. Tyrion cautions Dany not to go, considering there is no succession line after her, but the Queen has had enough of doing nothing, and flies off with all three dragons in tow.

Also, no, we don't know who succeeds her if she dies. Tyrion's still working on that memo.

We, however, are given yet another spectacular view of HBO's dragon work as Drogon, Viserion and Rhaegal burn pretty much everything in their path.

I've seen a lot of dragons; I've watched Dragonheart, Dungeons and Dragons, Eragon, even the Hobbit, but nothing so far can compare to this trio. Whatever astronomical cost went into this CGI, it was SO worth every penny.

Dany gets our lot onto Drogon (can I get the number for her clothier? Her clothes are AMAZING) - sans Jon, who's covering their escape. Unfortunately, the Night King is also busy during this fight, flinging an icy spear at Viserion and sending the dragon to his death in the lake, while the collective global audience screams obscenities at him for a good 48 hours straight (depending when and where you got to watch this).

The group takes off, leaving Jon behind, but don't worry, we have our own Walking Dead extra coming to the rescue! Benjen Stark appears, sending Jon off on his horse while he remains behind to hold the wights at bay.

Is this the end of Benjen? Or will he keep popping back up?

We'll get back to that, since Jon managed to get all wet during his fight and is freezing solid to the horse by the time he gets to the Wall. He does, however, wake up in a cabin on a ship south, with Daenerys tending to him. The first thing he does is apologise for Viserion - but luckily one thing goes right because the Queen isn't angry with him. Rather, she now understands what's at stake, having seen the army herself.

The two share a moment, holding hands, and Jon calls Daenerys his Queen.

Meaning, he's finally bent the knee (let's flash back to Tormund telling everyone who would listen that Mance Rayder was a great man - but a lot of people died for his pride and not bending the knee). This could either go very well or very VERY badly, depending, but I think we have bigger problems right now.

Like, much, much bigger.

Big-ass.

Because the Night King has fished Viserion out of the lake and HOLY BURNING SWORD HE HAS BLUE EYES NOW.

MAYDAY, MAYDAY, MAYDAY! HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

Also ... with the dragon now dead, does that mean ANYONE can ride him? Or does the Targaryen blood thing still stand? Because ... then we have even bigger problems. As in, someone in the undead is a Targaryen. Or maybe that won't matter and Viserion will just ... be an earial support unit.

What does a dragon like that even spew, anyway?

... ice?

Tune in for the finale next week.

*images not mine