"Sometimes, the truth is complicated."
Hello everyone!
I kept putting this off as long as I possibly could, but when an April Fool's reminded me that there COULD be a part four, I figured I couldn't really keep away for much longer.
Then again I STILL haven't seen Episode IX so I'm really, really good at not watching things I don't want to.
This one was a so-so for me, because while I did in fact want to see the trainwreck, I knew it was going to be one and didn't think I needed it on a good weekend.
But I had some spare time this past weekend and decided, you know what? I can probably do this.
I barely could.
However I'm now all caught up which DOES say something about tenacity (or plain-ass pig-headedness) I suppose.
Because I survived The Next 365 Days. And I swear, these keep getting worse.
I'm unfortunate enough to have watched the first two movies prior to this one, so there will be links down at the bottom of the page, as per usual.
Now in the past, we've met Laura (Anna-Maria Sieklucka), a Polish executive, who got herself kidnapped in the first movie by Massimo (Michele Morrone) because he was obsessed with her and gave her a year to fall in love with him. She did, and got into a car accident a la Lady Di for her efforts, unfortunately losing the baby she was carrying at the time (not that she mentioned this to her husband-to-be, or mourned all that well anyway).
Following this, her best friend Olga got engaged to Massimo's right-hand-man, Laura and Massimo got married, she realized being a CEO's wife isn't all sex and games (and yes, even if he's a mafia don, that's basically running a business!), thought she got cheated on, ran off with the "gardener" Nacho (Simone Susinna), got the hots for said gardener, and learned he's been playing her like a fiddle. In the end, during a shoot-out, she gets shot.
This is where we clock back into the story, immediately afterwards, with Massimo at a graveyard in a limp attempt to make us believe Laura's dead - but, trust me, we've got nearly two hours of movie left and he's not a maniac so, she's alive.
The person who died was his twin brother - the one who Laura mistook for him - but anyway, we move along, according to Laura, as if nothing happened, because unlike her doctor SHE knows what she wants or needs, and what she wants is Massimo to do her seven ways to Sunday again, as this is her only reason for existence (then again, were we expecting anything else from a woman whose only claim to a heart condition was so she could drop off a yacht and be rescued?).
Naturally Massimo is apprehensive, Laura gets mad, and thus begins their little stand-off, wherein she interrupts a meeting of his so they can go at it in the next room, among other things.
And OH she dreams about Nacho, too. And freezes when she realizes it's actually Massimo in bed with her.
This then leads to them becoming ships in the night, because Massimo knows she's thinking of someone else so he exiles himself from the bed, and she throws herself into work, which lands her at a fashion show in Portugal - and right in Nacho's arms, because THAT makes all the sense in the world.
She then proceeds to do exactly what she accused Massimo of doing - which, to his credit, the guy never actually did - and happily cheats because she's been hot for the cheese condiment since he first sauntered up in a muscle shirt to drink water from her glass.
Then, when she runs into her husband in the hotel room, rightfully asking her where she's been, she tells him to bugger off, she was the only one trying to save their marriage, and she needs space in this limbo she's in where she doesn't know what she wants anymore (by the way, we do see some of Massimo's dark limbo which he apparently fell into so that he took his mind off not having sex with his wife, but he can't really go back to drinking and drugs so it's more a reminder he HAS changed since the first movie of this disaster).
Because Laura's response is so rational - and her cheating on Massimo is basically allowed, despite her nearly castrating him for only THINKING he did it - Massimo in fact leaves, Olga has a meltdown in which she proves herself to be way more rational and loyal than Laura (because yes, Laura, you're now part of Massimo's family and acting like it might even help you), and Laura heads on off to Poland.
Where she gets the most aggravating and stupid lesson from her mom about relationships: a woman should always be selfish and put her own happiness first, and that's supposedly the basis for long-lasting marriages or something.
Lady, if I could punch you through the screen, I would. LAURA'S WHOLE ENTIRE SHITTY EXISTENCE IS BECAUSE SHE'S A SELFISH WITCH.
But anyway, Olga informs Laura that she overheard Massimo and her own fiancée talking about her and Nacho (also to note, Olga learned Italian, while Laura hasn't even bothered, another proof positive she's only in it for sex and nothing else), meaning Massimo - you know, the dangerous, homicidal mafia don - knows all about it.
So Laura heads on off to Sicily without any sort of worry, gets chauffeured by Nacho who spins a lovely, lovely tale how he can't live without her (but forgets to mention he's going to inherit his father's mafia business too, and Laura conveniently forgets he's basically the same as Massimo in a lot of aspects), and goes to talk to Massimo on the beach.
There, it's revealed he's always known about Nacho (which actually makes sense, considering he has her followed everywhere), but that he wanted her to actively choose and come back to him rather than needing to drag her back.
In a bid for nostalgia, he then asks "Are you back, baby girl?" and the movie conveniently ends before we all collectively lose our marbles over this insanity.
Listen, it IS insanity in its purest form to keep making the same mistakes and expecting things to be different. Laura first "fell" for Massimo because they fell in bed together. While she and Nacho didn't actually have sex first, she wanted sex from the second she saw him because she was starved for it, and once they actually got around to doing the deed, she's happy as a clam.
She also lives by the golden rule of sex should be had all day, every day, every single waking moment, because otherwise the relationship is going to the dogs! What do you mean people have to actually WORK and do other things than go at it like rabbits?!
Incidentally, she also accuses Massimo of things SHE's guilty of, conveniently making me defend the guy who kidnapped her in the first place, which is bonkers. How did we get here and what the hell happened?????
Wait, I'll tell you what happened. Laura happened. Laura, incapable of simple, adult communication other than laying down ultimatums, Laura, who continues blaming everyone else for her poor decisions, and Laura who's so addicted to sex that I'm surprised they didn't introduce a third guy into the equation she could have met in Portugal and who made her go all hot and bothered, doubting what the hell she was doing either with the Italian Pasta Don and Cheese Whizz.
The story can BARELY stand on its own two feet without the sex scenes - which I skip through at this point anyway - and there's still no English speaker in sight for some of the grammar. But then, people supposedly don't watch this for the plot, though I'm sorry to say neither of the three leads is attractive enough to hold this thing together in a somewhat cobbled structure.
Overall, the message is disturbing (CLEARLY, since I'm now defending Massimo of all people). It's trying to paint Laura as a strong, independent woman who makes choices that men have to respect, but it's difficult to respect someone who has such main character disease that she can't see an inch in front of her own nose.
The only saving grace in this movie is Olga, and this includes a scene of her attempting to escape her bodyguard while drunk, mind you. So I really don't know what to tell you.
Please, whoever the hell is out there, make it stop. Let's just say this whole thing was a dream Laura cooked up, and not have a fourth movie, okay? It's gone from entertainingly bad to downright bizarrely disastrous by now.
10/10 DO NOT recommend.
xx
*images and video not mine
No comments:
Post a Comment