"A dark secret is the foundation of any successful relationship."
Hello everyone!
No, I'm not happy about it LOL.
To be clear, I only do it out of morbid curiosity. I never would have subjected myself to this disaster otherwise, and yet, here we are.
VERY obviously you all know what I'm talking about.
I'm not entirely sure how this movie rose up to the Top Ten ranking on Netflix but ... probably boredom? What else is there???
It can't be because of stellar acting or awesome plot. None of that exists.
Could be for funny value though ... I'll give them that much.
There WAS some humour in this.
Links to related reviews and recaps can be found at the bottom of the page, as per usual.
Now, back in 365 Days, Laura (Anna-Maria Seklucka), a Polish executive, ends up kidnapped by Massimo (Michele Morrone), an Italian mobster, and he gives her a year to fall in love with him. Ups and downs later (including bumping uglies, as they say), they end up engaged and preparing for their wedding when Laura and her BFF Olga are involved in a car accident that's supposed to remind us of Princess Diana's with the tunnel and all.
Does This Day start where 365 Days left off?
No.
Not me wondering where the hell they put that train while doing it.
In fact, we only get the BRIEFEST allusion to what's supposedly a terrifying accident, when Laura and Olga talk about the fact that Laura unfortunately miscarried as a result (this is nothing to sneeze at, but the problem is it's just so glossed over you can't even be bothered to focus on it for more than five seconds, then you blink and Massimo's there screwing Laura's brains out again).
The wedding goes ahead as planned, so does the honeymoon, which includes ... well no, it doesn't INCLUDE, it just IS a montage of them either having sex or seducing each other into sex.
Listen, thirty minutes into this roughly two hour movie, we've had more sex than in a regular porn film, and more music montages than you can find on MTV or VH1 during their music video marathons. But this is what you sign up for so, buckle up, Buttercup!
After returning from their honeymoon - and finding Olga and Domenico doing the devil's tango that leaves Domenico looking like a cake (no joke) - Massimo arranges for the two women to go on a trip together while he and his right hand man get back to work.
Representation. Or ... something.
Then Laura goes back, seduces him, there's more sex involved, and then she's complaining that she doesn't have anything to do while he works, running off with Olga to just randomly waltz around Sicily without a care in the world. Who's a mafia wife? Not her!
To casual viewers this is confusing because there's no concept of the passage of time - nor do we really see Massimo actually ignoring Laura, like she's bitching about. The only thing we see is him being all over her when they're together, and then one time he can't give her a morning quickie because he's late for work - it's not even very mafia-like, even a regular businessman would do this LMFAO.
But Laura is convinced she's in a prison and she can't just sit around and do nothing, as she laments to the new gardener, "Nacho" (jury's still out if it's Libre or Cheese, I'll get back to you as soon as they decide), who gives her some nice eyecandy, drinks some of her water, and saunters off after making sure she's sufficiently into him.
When did this become an episode of Real Housewives of Sicily?!
Then Christmas rolls around and, apparently, Massimo's putting in an effort? Or something? I'm not sure when he ISN'T to be honest, my working theory is that Laura's just endlessly horny and pissed that he isn't doing her ten ways to Sunday all day, every day, and all night long. But anyway, her family's down for Christmas, he gifts her her OWN clothing company, and Domenico proposes to Olga.
After more sex (which at this point I just cheerfully skip, I wouldn't be seeing anything new) they're attending an evening gala event, and Laura gets bored about half an hour in, which, again, girl even if you were the wife of a regular CEO, your literal job is to smile and help your husband while he circulates and cultivates contacts.
She's being extra bitchy though (maybe Massimo's struggling in the bedroom from all the marathons?) so he compromises that he's got one more conversation, then they can leave, and about three minutes later she sees him all disheveled and leaving with that blonde ex of his, which prompts her to find them getting all hot and heavy and naked together.
Listen, Massimo's fast, okay, but he's not THAT fast.
SparkNotes on successful mob marriage: only look at your hubs like that.
And Laura, being the mature, fully functioning adult that she is ... who am I kidding, she's not, she runs out of there, somehow doesn't question why Cheese Whiz is there at a party no gardener should be at, and she takes off with him into the unknown.
She then proceeds to languidly enjoy getting to know her next daydream boytoy fantasy, his sister, and doing absolutely nothing other than spending time with him 24/7, or otherwise just existing.
Remember how she complained she couldn't do that with Massimo and missed challenges?
How I wish for a Fifty Shades of Grey level of consistency at this point.
So a few steamy dreams and one actual steamy kiss later, Libre tells Laura they're meeting with his father, who's actually the Don of a rival, Spanish mafia family, and Massimo will be there (speaking of Massimo, does Laura even know how whipped she has this guy? He literally can't function without her there and is surrounded by incompetent idiots who can't figure out where she's been all this time).
If you thought Twilight lip was bad ...
Now she knows all men she comes in contact with are garbage - more likely, she just attracts garbage, though I have to hand it to Massimo that HE at least didn't straight up cheat on his wife, because come on, did you not see the twin brother plot coming?
Yes, Massimo has a brother, which he mentions, conveniently forgetting it's his twin, who's so high all the time he doesn't even know if his zipper's up or down or if he's wearing pants. Maybe it's a kilt! But basically, he and the blondie conspired with the Spaniards to get Laura away from her hubby dearest, so Macho Man isn't as innocent as he's making himself out to be.
He does make a compelling argument that she walked out all on her own though, but, extenuating circumstances.
The Spanish are also about as competent as the Italians because the twin and blondie snag Laura out from under their noses while the Don is trying to threaten Massimo and actually violated the non-aggression pact (listen, Massimo as a don expanding his business does not a breaking of the pact make, said pact is in place to protect members of the family who aren't directly involved in the business EXCUSE ME SIR HAS NOBODY WATCHED THE GODFATHER).
Bros that c*ck together ... I can't take myself seriously anymore.
Jacob Black, I mean, whatever his name is, Cheese Louise, figures out the bodyguards were in on it, so he and Massimo walk out of there in a dramatically slow motion sequence to get to this cathedral like place where Bella Swan, wait, Laura, FINALLY figures out there's a twin, then there's some pointing of guns, and then she does her best impression of Rickon Stark and gets shot.
Oh, twin and blondie also get killed, but the spare tire guy in this would-be relationship tearfully walks out to leave Massimo cradling Laura on the floor as the movie cuts off.
BUT DON'T WORRY, GUYS, BECAUSE THERE'S A THIRD ONE IN THE PIPELINE! She's safe. They probably won't even reference the shooting much at all and we'll come back to the two of them banging on the dining room table or something.
I'm really trying here to not be mean but, while the first one was cringy I can safely say it at least had some workable plots and script, however this one just takes the cake. Apparently there was no English-speaking person in sight because some of the lines are just ... broken English guys, broken English, I'm telling you.
If NCIS: Italy were a thing, Cheesy gets the job for stance. Sorry, Capo.
And while the plot here COULD have been good, it just was not executed well. There's confusion about the timeline, I don't see what Laura's complaining about so it's all her own fault, and people know things they shouldn't (how did they know to find Laura exactly where she was at the end?) and don't know some of the more obvious stuff (non-aggression pact, anyone?!?).
Plus, listen. I admire eye candy as much as any other, but I dislike it when my eye candy gets emasculated, which is what happens to Massimo in this movie. Him not functioning without Laura isn't cute or adorable, it's just plain sad.
One thing I WILL give them though is when she ties him up during their wedding night, and once given permission, he easily just rips out of those bonds to go at her - THAT was hot. There's something about a man who can control himself even though he could easily just waltz out of there, so I'll admit that one three seconds of a scene got me.
Other than that though, this movie is literally brain-death inducing. Yet I already know I'll be back for three because, I want to see what could be worse than this. Because you know it will be.
Legitimately still the entire plot of the movie.
... also I'm pretty sure it's both Libre AND Cheese, so Nacho wins in the condiments department.
xx
*poster image and video not mine, screenshots by me
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