Talkie Tuesday: The Great Wall

"Kill the Queen - or we all die."

Hello everyone!

I'm making quite a dent in my movie reviews, I've noticed, looking at the ones still waiting on the to be reviewed pile, which makes me quite happy. Plus, I still have a ton of them waiting in the to be watched pile so I'm not even remotely worried about running out of material! 

Plus, I've just come to a decision.

As DIVA, or the European version of Hallmark Channel, has been channelling its inner-Christmas Elf since November 6th, I will be doing Christmas movie reviews as soon as December hits. Who knows? I may gather enough of them to be able to do both Tuesday AND Saturday blog posts as reviews!

But anyway.

The movie I picked for tonight is one of Matt Damon's recent ones where, post-Bourne, we try to envision him as something other than a CIA agent gone rogue. The Great Wall might have a lot to show in terms of entertainment, but whether or not it actually delivers anything else ... I'll leave that up to you guys.

I saw a snippet of a trailer for this quite at random on television one time, but it was enough to get a general opinion of it - which was unfavourable.

As in, the Great Wall of China, a Chinese army, and one white dude running around shouting orders?

It all sounded thoroughly American to me, and not worth my time.

However, then my father saw the trailer and it seemed to intrigue him; and he's picky when it comes to the movies he watch. I mean, he's thoroughly thrilled with The Godfather, Jaws or Predator, then some Lethal Weapon thrown in for good measure.

See what I'm saying?

If he was curious enough about this Matt Damon movie, I thought I might as well give it a go.

Here's the story:

at the time during which the Chinese have already invented the black powder but not shared it with the rest of the world yet, a group of mercenaries with William (Matt) and Toval in the lead (Toval being none other than Oberyn Martell) are hurrying across a pretty deserted landscape towards the safety of the Great Wall, pursued by what look to be Mongols. Apparently, however, these guys haven't yet heard of Genghis Khan, otherwise Will & Co would NEVER have made it out alive - or alternately wouldn't have been worried about bandits.

Anyway.

During the night, the group is attacked by some weird creature we don't really see properly, but William manages to kill it. He and Toval are also the only ones who actually make it to the Wall.

Lucky them? Nah. They get captured by General Shao and his other commanders.

See, the Northern Regions of what is today known as China are under the command of one general and his Nameless Legion, which is divided into separate divisions, organised by colour. It looks like a freaking rainbow, but it totally works (black denotes foot soldier, red an archer, blue are female spear warriors, etc.).

It's here that William and Toval want to snatch the powder from, after seeing another Westerner there, apparently helping the Chinese against the creatures which periodically attack the Wall.

Aka, the same creature William kills, which he learns is called Tao-Tei, and the story behind it is this:

a while ago, under one emperor, China was great, but he became super greedy so, to punish him, the gods sent the Tao-Tei to make sure he would be too busy dealing with the monsters to do anything else (again, no one's heard of Genghis yet; pretty sure he would've roasted these monsters for his breakfast and demanded a refill). They rise up periodically every sixty years, trying to, apparently, eradicate the imperial line.

Dun dun dun dun dundun dun dundun. Imperial march begins to play. Ignore me. Let's carry on.

The soldiers learn William has killed a Tao-Tei, and they're incredulous because, well, his bow is kind of not so bueno to them and they think no white boy can shoot better than they can. This macho contest is sort of interrupted when the beasts attack again, and William and Toval fight valiantly beside the troops, earning their grudging respect, and the respect of one Commander Lin, who is in charge of the female spear-warriors (it's kind of telling they have the women doing swan-dives off the Wall and into the abyss).

The attack is repelled, but Toval doesn't plan on spending the rest of his life fighting here, so he suggests teaming up with the other white guy, stealing the black powder, and disappearing. William, however, who isn't quite the mercenary (although he's probably fought in just about any army you can name at the time), disagrees and doesn't leave with them, which lands him in hot water with Lin, but he suggests hunting the Tao-Tei like you'd hunt a whale.

Why, you ask?

Because there's a theory that magnets can contain the beasts and lull them to sleep. Only way to test it is to catch a live one.

Things sort of start happening all at once then, though: Toval runs, Lin arrests William, the beasts attack, so Lin releases William, they catch a beast, and General Shao dies, leaving his overall-command to Lin.

Whew.

Okay, so then what? They have the monster now - and the magnets DO work. But then what do they do?

They pull a Trojan Horse.

Not the Chin. The Tao-Tei.

See, all of the monsters are connected, intelligent, and they coordinate their attacks. They've never been able to breach the Wall, but with one of their own now actually INSIDE and heading for the Imperial Court - well, that's a different story.

Lin and the others realise this, and hot-foot it (or hot-balloon it) after the delegation, with William in tow, but it's too late because the Tao-Tei are already attacking the capital, trying to finish the imperial line at last.

Eventually, however, William and Lin manage to kill the queen (it's ALWAYS a queen), and the monsters collapse, which seems to mean that, for the moment at least, they're safe for another sixty or so years.

Toval pops back into the picture - having once again gotten himself caught - and Lin offers a deal to William: if he leaves the black powder behind, she'll allow him and Toval to leave. William obviously picks his friend, but he promises Lin (maybe not directly, but subtly so) that he will be back. He kinda wants to come back to her, if you catch my drift.

The two pals ride off with the Wall at their backs, General Lin watching them go.

You can't say this kind of movie isn't entertaining, even if it isn't entirely believable. Then again, right at the beginning, the disclaimer explains that this is just a version of a LEGEND to do with the Great Wall, and not actual reality, so there you go. The story itself is fast-paced and action-packed, which is thoroughly enjoyable. Also, watching Oberyn survive to fight another day is completely fascinating and hugely satifsying.

Am I still miffed that the Asian race needed a white guy to help save them? Sure. But it's entertainment, I guess, so maybe we shouldn't be too harsh about it.

After all, if we start nit-picking everything apart, we'll be left sitting in opposite corners and just glaring at whoever's staring back at us.

xx

*images and video not mine