"Do you know what it's like to live forever?"
Hello everyone!
So since this past Tuesday was Halloween I figured I'd give up on trying to post something on my blog not connected to it, but I'd completely forgotten about this movie which has been sitting in my little sheep notebook for a while now.
Of course, had I taken five seconds of my time and noticed Vin Diesel on the cover of the DVD, I might have remembered better.
The Last Witch Hunter isn't the kind of movie that I imagine great, global masses would rave about as they do with some other Diesel films in existence, but as for me I loved it. Whether it was because we got to see Sir Diesel in something else besides him riding or dying in fast cars jumping over submarines, or because Elijah Wood cured my inner wish for seeing more Frodo Baggins, I can't say.
What I can certainly admit to, though, is that I enjoyed the time I spent watching Diesel's character run around on screen as the unstoppable force of nature he always is.
I mean, come on; we all knew this was gonna be a street fight!
800 years ago when men didn't quite grasp the concept of shaving or even washing more than once a year (without accidentally falling into a river in the process), Kaulder and a group of other warriors are on the hunt for the Witch Queen. Said queen has unleashed the Black Plague to wipe out humanity, killing many, including Kaulder's family, which basically means the queen really sucked at planning this strategy out.
Turns out, Kaulder's the only one determined to actually kill her, but before he can actually succeed, the Witch Queen curses him with immortality - tying his life to her own heart. While it beats, he lives, and vice versa (not that he's aware of the fact).
In modern times, Kaulder still roams around the planet tracking down rogue witches to bring to trial if they somehow break the laws that have been hammered into their heads since youth, although granted most of them practice nature magic anyway, which by definition is neutral. In any event, Kaulder has pretty much seen it all, done it all, and is aided in his endeavours by a priest called simply Dolan, a hark-back to the first one who fought in the war against the Witch Queen.
Number 36 (Sir Michael Caine if you please) retires and supposedly dies in his sleep that night, but Kaulder and 37 (Elijah Wood himself) deduce he's actually under some sort of dark magic spell, magic Kaulder hasn't seen since the Witch Queen fell.
Galvanised into action to save his friend, Kaulder goes first to the council for whom he works, but they don't believe him so he's on his own, with only Dolan 37 for help along the way. He needs to act fast, however, because the curse WILL kill Dolan 36 (of whom Kaulder is kind of fond) if he doesn't kill the witch who cast it first.
Finding a clue that Dolan 36 left for him makes Kaulder realise that, to figure everything out, he must remember his own death, or well, the death of his mortality and emergence of his immortality, if you will.
This leads him to a young dream-walker Chloe (Rose Leslie makes a fine addition, though I wonder what Kit Harington knows without her), and you'd think there'd be some peace there, but nope.
It's just a really elaborate tangle of attempts to get rid of him.
Of course, this is Vin Diesel, which in this day and age means about the same as when you mentioned Bud Spencer years back: aka, he whoops ass and is royally pissed off, but no one actually succeeds in putting him six feet under.
Now all he has to do is convince Chloe to help him, but that proves a tougher cookie as she's actually a dark witch trying to deny her heritage, unwilling to face "the Weapon" as the witches call Kaulder, but his suave charm (and let's be practical, those abs and the deep voice) convince her to help him dream walk back 800 years or so.
Here, he finally learns the truth that the Dolans have protected through the ages: the first priest lied about the Witch Queen's death. He couldn't bring himself to stab the heart because it would kill Kaulder, who was a good friend.
Now pissed beyond belief - because all he's actually wanted to do is die so he can join his family and have some peace and quiet, natch - Kaulder realises the dark witches are raising the Witch Queen.
That means big trouble though: she'll probably be even more enraged than the first time around, and there's way more for her to kill now than there was 800 years ago if she unsleashes the Plague again, which seems likely.
Chloe's horrified; Kaulder is just irritated beyond belief.
Things don't quite go according to his plans, however; while he successfuly reanimates Dolan 36, he accidentally walks right into the Witch Queen's plans when he goes to end this once and for all - because, see, she wasn't being super nice 800 years ago. She gave Kaulder immortality so that, when the time came, she could take it back and rise stronger than before.
Now a mere mortal man, but still Vin Diesel-esque pissed, Kaulder, accompanied by Chloe and Dolan 37, heads to the Witch prison (where every witch he's ever put away is currently in repose) to prevent the Queen from once again unleashing the Black Death.
In the ensuing chaos, Kaulder unfortunately loses Chloe to the death plague chant, and gets an unwelcome surprise when Dolan 37 actually has the balls to betray him.
See, way back when Kaulder first saved the kid, he THOUGHT he'd been saving him from rogue witches, but they were actually his parents; and he's been bitter and twisted because the gift of magic has eluded him, so the Witch Queen promised to give him magic if he helped her by bringing and/or killing Kaulder.
Newsflash: she lied.
Since no Elijah Wood has ever been born to withstand an angry Vin Diesel, that's a fairly uneven fight, but Kaulder now has a choice to make - seeing as, in the process of trying to save the world, he is now pretty much dying.
He sees the spirits of his wife and daughter - but hold up! They want him to live!
Chloe, released from the chant, stops Kaulder from throwing himself onto a knife to end it all and thus kill the Witch Queen and himself, telling him that, while she'd been under the chanting spell, she'd sensed and seen worse, darker things waiting in the wings.
Waiting for what? Kaulder and everyone who's ever seen this movie asks.
Waiting for you to die, says wise Ygritte, er, Chloe.
So Kaulder decides not to skewer himself, but instead locks the Witch Queen's heart away in his vault, leaving it in the safe keeping of Dolan 36, considering Kaulder has now broken away from the Council for good.
Then he and Chloe take his fast, fast car (Chloe's driving, of course) and head off into the sunset.
To live.
If you glimpsed romantic vibes between these two, that's because there was definitely an undercurrent - but I kind of liked it! It was certainly different to what I'd expect, but Leslie proved she could stand next to Vin Diesel and not be a damsel in distress, kicking butt when it had to happen but also not losing sight of her more humane side either, and thus keeping her male co-stars grounded.
In a step away from his usual roles, Vin Diesel was surprisingly easy on the eyes and believable in this one, and I thoroughly enjoyed his performance. Unlike some complainers, I don't mind knowing he's going to be kicking ass on screen. That's just how he rolls.
The movie wasn't something virtually impossible to understand, it had a nice line throughout and a satisfactory ending, more or less, with a potential opening for a sequel if they decide to make one. All in all, however, seeing some modern-day witches was definitely entertaining! Makes me wish for a Kaulder all of my own occasionally.
xx
*images and video not mine
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