"In a hole in the ground there lived a Hobbit ..."
Hello everyone!
I mean, usually you'd film the first movies first, chronologically, then continue on with the story to the end that the author's written, right?
Well, like I said, USUALLY.
But both Lucas and Jackson ended up filming the conclusions FIRST, before circling back to the beginnings (I'm not looking at the Sequels in any way, shape or form at this time).
So without further ado and more chatter from me, let's check right back in, because last time we left a royally pissed-off dragon heading straight for some unsuspecting, vulnerable and squishy humans to deal with them.
Smaug may suck at interior decorating, but he sure does know how to deliver death and destruction in The Battle of the Five Armies.
So after Bilbo Baggins hosted an impromptu dinner party for Gandalf and Thorin Oakenshield with the rest of the Dwarves, they took off into the Wild and escaped by the funniest means possible from any and all holdings that were trying to keep them back (including, but not limited to one Thranduil of Mirkwood) and finally reached Erebor.
There, they woke up Smaug, and all hell broke loose.
Now, Smaug is busy decimating Laketown, from which Tauriel is trying to lead Bard's children and the Dwarves who'd been left behind (that she healed, natch). She'd have had a terrible time with it if not for Bard actually escaping imprisonment (listen ... that's a whole other stupid story that doesn't need rehashing), and tag-teaming with his son to take the dragon down once and for all.
And he does, right on top of Stephen Fry's Master of Laketown character, effectively cutting that role quite short.
Once the people gather on the shores, they figure out they only have one place to go to, which is the Mountain itself, while Legolas takes Tauriel with him to Gundabad, because the Orcs that had come harassing them were carrying that mark - a mark he hasn't seen in a long, long time.
Oh and also, Tauriel and Kili are having a Romeo and Juliet style love story, and she's been banished by order of the King, to which Legolas rolls his eyes and says well fine Dad, then I'm banished too!
Off they go, and off the people go, while we check in with the Dwarves ... who are now frantically and openly searching for the Arkenstone, and Thorin's already showing signs of Dragon-sickness which originally drove his grandfather mad.
Bilbo asks Balin: would the stone help or hurt?
And Balin knows. HE JUST KNOWS that Bilbo has that stupid stone, and he tells the hobbit it'd be better if it never existed, and was never found again. They're in on it together, these two chums, and Thorin's not getting the Arkenstone unless it suddenly grows a will of its own like the One Ring.
He's also rip-shit pissed that the people of Laketown DARE come begging to him, because apparently he's forgotten who helped him two weeks ago in favour of remembering who DIDN'T help him eons ago when the dragon first took the Lonely Mountain from his family. Basically, he's showing himself to be an idiot, particularly when Thranduil and his army crop up to get what they think is rightfully theirs out of that ridiculous mountain.
What about Gandalf? you ask. Where's the wizard who might be able to stop this?
Well, he went into Dol Guldur back in Desolation, got himself caught for his efforts, and if Galadriel weren't a total HBIC, he'd still be there, but she arrives to free him, and Elrond and Saruman back her up in a fantastic fight sequence with the Nine, expelling Sauron from the fortress (and we get a WONDERFUL, military re-imagining of the Rivendell music theme).
Gandalf then does in fact show up at Dale, begging Thranduil and Bard not to go to war and spinning the yarn about Sauron that he really should have reconsidered at that point, knowing no one will ever believe him. In fact, Thranduil's face as Bard looks to him with an ? on his head tells it all, plus he's got beef with Oakenshield so, fight it is.
Only, Bilbo explains when he takes the Ring off to interrupt the meeting, the fight's going to go badly, because the Dwarves WILL fight.
But they might bargain for the Arkenstone, if the others play it cool and collected.
Having delivered that, he returns to the Mountain, for his efforts to mostly be in vain as he nearly gets yeeted off the parapets when Thorin figures out what happened, and then Dain Ironfoot arrives because he's been summoned to a brawl, and when you think everything's about to go to hell in a handbasket ...
It does.
With the arrival of Azog and his troops that spring out of literal holes in the ground.
Thus begins the actual battle for the Mountain, in which everyone takes part and makes their own little sacrifices, but the true battle happens inside, where Thorin strives with Dragon-sickness while his kinsmen look on helplessly, wishing to join the fighting.
Once the King shakes it off though, it's all hands on deck, and he's after Azog if it's the last thing he'll ever do.
Which is exactly when Legolas arrives to tell Gandalf the bad news about Gundabad - there's reinforcements coming, and Thorin's right in their path.
So are Fili and Kili, which prompts Tauriel to hightail it over there on Bilbo's heels, but all their efforts are in vain because Azog kills Thorin's nephews first, then duels Thorin himself on the ice, a battle in which both of them lose their lives.
Bilbo's the only one to witness Thorin's death, crying like he's lost a part of himself, but with Azog gone his troops are easily defeated, and the Lonely Mountain now falls under Dain's leadership. They bury the fallen, forge alliances, and Thranduil takes a grieving Tauriel back into Mirkwood, while Legolas heads into the wilds to look for a guy called Strider.
Gandalf and Bilbo head on home, as well, and Bilbo arrives just in time to stop the auction of Bag End, proving himself to be alive after his adventure, and the scene shifts to the Old Bilbo again, Ian Holm, and Gandalf arriving at the beginning of The Fellowship of the Ring.
Which is where we leave them!
Now apart from some lore inconsistencies that I've yet to figure out to this day - aka, Gundabad, Legolas' mother, and the fact Strider is about three years old at the time Thranduil tells Legolas to go looking, and hasn't earned the nickname yet, the movie is an entertaining mish-mash of comedy, battle sequences, and heart-wrenching moments.
Because listen, when the Heirs of Durin croak? I cry every single time. Doesn't matter when I'm watching.
Overall, The Hobbit trilogy deserves its place on the roster, even if it might be nostalgia giving me rose-tinted glasses while looking at it, but in comparison to the awful storytelling in The Rings of Power (and I'm talking about just getting from point A to point B, no lore included here), at least this story has a cohesive start, middle and end.
And I usually like to re-watch it, which I can't say for the other.
Tune in next week, when we dive into one of the greatest trilogies of all time, however, in The Lord of the Rings!
xx
*images and video not mine
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