Talkie Tuesday: The Battle of the Five Armies

Hello everyone!

So, to my intense and utter surprise, my little country got to see the last part of the Hobbit trilogy before the US! That NEVER happens, so I'm just a little bit excited, considering our premiere happened on the same day as the New Zealand one (and on top of that, my hometown showed it that same weekend, too!). So my girlfriends and yours truly decided to see it this past Saturday, and to be perfectly honest I was pleasantly surprised. Not that I anticipated a huge comeback from the blunders of the second movie (don't even get me started on that one), but I did go in with a whole lot less positive than I did then, wary of the great feelings the trailers evoked knowing how disappointed I was last year, and it turns out that, all in all, this wasn't half as bad as one would have expected. Was it still bad? Yeah, especially on topics that were introduced wrongly from the start, completely off-base, or lost somewhere in translation. It will probably never live up to the Lord of the Rings film trilogy, but at the very least, it WAS entertaining. One can't say anything against that!

So, spoiler alert ahead to anyone who has NOT yet seen The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies, you're reading at your own risk, though if you're a book fan it gets less, considering you know what happens.

The Hobbit: TBOTFA, New Line Cinema

We start the movie off right where we ended it last time - with a very big, very pissed-off dragon going straight at Laketown to finish it off. Because, no one steals from a living dragon and gets to live, too. Smaug's philosophy (and also a cardinal rule for living with a dragon as a neighbour, you just leave the beast alone, savvy?). The town goes up in flames (obviously) and we see our heroes, left behind in the previous movie, try to run in a boat, guided by Tauriel (not so obvious, but then she has a thing for the cutest of the Dwarves ... what? Kili's cute, even I can admit that!). At the same time, the Master of Laketown is running for his life (and his gold), and Bard has forgotten all about that fancy bow-machine-thing and the big black arrow as he goes at Smaug like his blonde, Elven counterpart (hint: it doesn't work).

The Hobbit: TBOTFA, New Line Cinema

We do get some really good lines delivered by Benedict Cumberbatch, right before Bard (and Bain), send that black arrow (which the son remembered to bring while his father was too angry to think) straight into the old codger's heart. Bad move, Smaug, bad move, but then, Bilbo did accuse him (in the book) of being an insufferable idiot. Good move: karma always comes right round, as the dead dragon smashes right onto Laketown - and on the Master while he's at it. Bye-bye, Stephen Fry, it was a good run.

And that's only the action BEFORE the title of the movie is revealed! Talk about jumping right into it. Now the Dwarves have seen that the dragon is dead, and the ravens are returning to Erebor, but while they're rejoicing, Thorin is off to be his usual, brooding self. Uh oh, trouble on the horizon.

On the shores of the lake, Kili confides his love for Tauriel, leaving her with the runestone his mother gave him (cue the awwing if you're not too annoyed) before leaving for the Mountain, the survivors are going through the motions of survival, trying to kill Alfrid, who survived Smaug's epic fall because the Master tossed him overboard earlier, and being stopped by Bard, who orders a march on the Lonely Mountain, and Dale, where they can shelter for the winter. Of course, as can be predicted, this does NOT go well - judging by the wall Thorin has them build in the ruined gate, despite Bilbo's objections (and Balin's). But our head Dwarf is now in the throes of dragon sickness - and Richard Armitage delivers a beautiful performance, while Bilbo and Balin worry about him if he ever finds the Arkenstone (which Bilbo, as we all figured out, snatched away from the dragon right before old Smaug decided he wanted some crispy Hobbit for a snack). 

Meanwhile, in Dol Guldur, Galadriel and the rest of the White Council come to help Gandalf, and in what's probably one of my favourite scenes of the whole movie kick some SERIOUS Nazgúl butt. There's just something about seeing Saruman fight for the good guys that makes me smile, and Elrond doing his thing makes me grin. I didn't mean to make that rhyme, oops. What bothered me was Galadriel going all dark and slimy to toss out Sauron towards the East like some weird tennis game - not the move, but her being how she was. If she was to be depicted as revealed to how she is on the other side (aka Aman), then she should have probably been white, glowing, ethereal, etc. But oh well. Sauron has returned. Leaving him to Saruman? Worst decision of the age.

The Hobbit: TBOTFA, New Line Cinema

Azog, the resident baddie, learns that Thranduil is on the move, and sends the very pretty Bolg off to Gundabad for reinforcements. Tauriel and Legolas hike that way too, but this leads me to question realism: Gundabad was the strategic entrance to Angmar from the east, but it was roughly 500 kilometers away from Erebor ... those distances are a bit iffy to overcome. Movie magic? While I'm pondering this, we're back at Dale where the Elves bring provisions for Bard and his people, and Thranduil proves he's still ages away from the Elf from the books considering he's going into battle for a necklace (!) and box of jewels, whereas Book Thranduil didn't want to start a war over money. Since Thorin doesn't want to be persuaded, the armies prepare to engage, but Bilbo stalls it by sneaking out of the Mountain with the Arkenstone, which results in him being nearly tossed over the walls later. Things come to a head as Dain, Thorin's cousin, arrives with an army of Dwarves. These are seated on war rams, but someone thought it would be fun to give Dain a war boar ... I swear I nearly broke my teeth clenching them. Luckily, bloodshed between the friendlies is averted as Azog arrives, and the race for longest battle of 2014 is off!

The Hobbit: TBOTFA, New Line Cinema

In another of my favourite scenes from the movie, after Thorin gets over his sickness and crashes the wall on the gate to charge out with the rest of the company, the Dwarves part ways before him and form a solid line again as they cleave into the orcs. In the meantime, Thorin, Dwalin, Fili and Kili go off to hunt down Azog. They are followed by Legolas and Tauriel, who defy Thranduil, and go help the Dwarves as Bolg arrives with the second army. This is where we see Fili and Kili die, and even though it's unlike the book, it's still devastating ... yes, I cried. Sue me. I was given a breather as Legolas defied physics and fought off Bolg, while Azog and Thorin squared off, leaving the King under the Mountain mortally wounded at the end. The battle is over when Radagast brings winged reinforcements - and Beorn.

Thorin, of course, dies; Legolas, for some reason, goes away from home and off wandering, while Bilbo and Gandalf return to the Shire, and the scene changes to the openings of The Fellowship of the Ring.

So. It wasn't satisfying, but it was action-packed. I don't know about these animals that are used as chargers. Legolas doing aerobics was quite expected, honestly. I figured Tauriel would die, but against all  odds she survived. Thranduil still got on my nerves, and I didn't understand those bits about Legolas' mother at all, since they didn't give us much in terms of storytelling. Also, the Arkenstone was all forgotten. Curious, much? I think I'll need to watch the EE to get some questions answered, but in terms of pure movie magic, not thinking about the story at all, it was entertaining, if clumsy with all the battling going on. In terms of storytelling? Well ... let's just say I'm thankful no one else has any other rights to any other Tolkien work, because that would just be bad. And I mean really bad.

All in all, however, it left me in a much better mood than its predecessor. So all things considered, it was a fair ending to the movie story they set up - with limping mistakes, but some treasured gems throughout.