"Who's really the thief?"
Hello everyone!
FINALLY.
I know what you're thinking - this took forever. I KNOW.
I'm sorry!
I don't know what happened that I watched the movie and then didn't immediately review it. I think I was saving it for the week after but then got absolutely distracted by other blockbusters (read: Grindelwald) and somehow this ended up lower on the totem pole.
That's kind of sad, but then again, when you're watching a movie like this, I suppose you don't always need to be happy about it.
What movie am I blabbering about, may you ask?
You may. I will be more than delighted to tell you.
It's called Robin Hood. But if you're expecting Kevin Costner charm, think again.
I don't think I've ever reviewed a Robin Hood movie on this blog before, though I may be wrong. A quick search gave me nothing, so I'm going to assume the Prince of Thieves (not the movie title, the person) hasn't graced this site yet.
It's kind of a shame that I have to introduce him with this spectacle.
I'm being a bit mean, but what can I say? I prefer my Locksleys rugged, righteous, and most of all believable.
Let's roll into the review though, shall we?
The story begins when one Robin of Locksley (Taron Egerton) catches a thief in his stables, and the thief turns out to be Marian (Eve Hewson). So far, so good, I'm liking this twist on the original story in which Marian was a Lady and Robin the thief, so I think to myself 'hey, COOL!'
But then things go down the drain very quickly.
Robin gets enlisted - for lack of a better word - to fight in the Crusades, and so he leaves behind Marian to run his estate while he goes off to traipse around in the desert. This he does, going commando, and with the other commandos in the group stalks through a sandy city and its ruins and nearly gets himself killed by fire from above because someone of the Muslims had the bright idea to, for lack of cannon in that century, have a gigantic crossbolt, or something of the sort.
Anyway, Robin is getting disillusioned with what he sees, Christians killing Muslims for what seems to be sport, and tries to save a Muslim boy from dying (boy? More like young man, but, you know), not that it helps, and on the other side the guy's dad, Jamie Foxx (who does NOT look old enough for that kind of kid, trust me) loses a hand in the process.
Robin gets sent back to England in apparent disgrace, where he finds that the Sheriff of Nottingham has declared him dead and confiscated his land. With no sign of Marian, Robin goes to look for her, and finds he outside the town's mines, with - wait for it - Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan).
Wait, sorry, wrong fandom.
Will Scarlet. That's it.
Anyway, you can imagine that he doesn't want to get any closer to THAT love fest, but he gets accosted by none other than Foxx instead, who has an unpronouncable name and ends up going with Little John.
Here's a cute tip: I like Foxx, I really do, but Little John he is not, nor should he have been.
Anyway, John says that Robin was the only Englishman ever to show mercy to a Muslim (sorry excuse for a nation, then), and so maybe they can turn the tide around. And they're going to start by digging into the rich wells here in Nottingham.
Nottingham's rich? How? When?
The Sheriff seems delighted to see Robin among the living (seems being the key word) and John and Robin then enter into a long con wherein they will train so that Robin can go out at night as a nameless, hooded archer, steal what money he can, and make off with it. He leaves the first portion with Marian, but overhearing her speak of the people's plight, he then decides to help the people.
Meanwhile, he's also clucking closer to the Sheriff, getting into his good graces and inner circle even as a very materialistic Cardinal is on his way from Rome to see to it that the Hood doesn't steal any more of the Church's gold.
Tip #2: there is only one Hood, and his name is Oliver Queen.
At this point, Robin and John go for big, and actually poke the hornet's nest while infiltrating the treasury, and at the same time Marian is doing snooping on her own, much to the disappointment of her boyfriend Will, who is a spokesperson for the people, though not very action-motivated. She discovers papers that Friar Tuck (even more bumbling than in any previous adaptation) translates into a realisation that the English are actually funding the Arabs with the money taxed from the people, and unspeakable horrors shall ensue.
Now it's time to fight, and Robin reveals himself to be the archer, and declares he will lead the people since Will is kind of more talk-less action, much to Marian's annoyance.
So they go for the usual plan: diversion so that the guards leave the carriage with gold, and then tunnelling to the gold from below to get it, running off in underground passages.
Oh yes, meanwhile, John sacrificed himself to help Robin escape the time they were doing the treasury run, and now breaks free to go help Robin kill the Sheriff, who had a sad childhood being beaten and abused and wants to overthrow all the rich lords because ... that's how you do it.
Anyway, he ends up hung, the rebels escape with the money, Wil gets burned by accident, both by actual flames and by seeing Marian kiss Robin, and then goes on to serve the Cardinal as the new Sheriff of Nottingham while Robin sends an arrow at his wanted poster.
Welcome to the high rollers table, right?
Har-har.
Yawn.
This movie was a mesh of SEAL Team, Arrow season one, Assassin's Creed, Zorro, the 2017 King Arthur movie, Mary Poppins on occasion, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Mission Impossible.
And not in a good way.
It couldn't decide if it would be a comedy, an origin story for one of England's most beloved heroes, or a dark drama. With everything mixing together, someone had the bright idea to try and make the dreary, dark and rainy sets colourful by including people of all shapes, sizes, and skin colour, outlandish costumes for the time period, and I'm starting to think they might have burned history books along the way.
I might have enjoyed this movie had it not been titled Robin Hood. But when you stick the name onto a project, it's a given that people will have expectations. And I don't want to see Marian, a high born lady of legend who fought for people's rights and stood as stalwart protector and high ranking noble as the King's niece/cousin (accounts vary) running around showing her belly. Or cleavage! In a time when the only thing men got to see of women were their faces, that costume was just ... no. The rest weren't much better either. They might have been going for an edgy, modern look. All they got was the vague idea someone went to Target to buy clothing and hastily put it all on the actors.
I assume the people behind this movie were trying to make a "modern" version similar to what King Arthur did two years ago. But Arthur was always connected to magic, so getting away with outlandish stuff is easy. Robin Hood was a very practical and down-to-Earth kind of hero who did everything without magic - and you expect a certain degree of realism.
This is the era of the Crusades, people. We might not know everything about that period of history, but we know enough to make good, quality movies people will enjoy for good representation. And I'm sorry but there is no way that Little John wouldn't stand out with dark skin. Unfortunately, in those centuries, what we call racism today was the norm. We don't have to like it but we can't change it, and falsely representing history as a time of free mingling people of all nationalities is a poor cover-up for today's bad choices.
If you have two hours to spare, I'd suggest you spend them on something else. Maybe Kevin Costner's version which, even with the American accents, is still one of the best.
Skip this one.
xx
*images not mine
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