Talkie Tuesday: The Lone Ranger

"Never take off mask."

Hello everyone!

I had a different review lined up for this Tuesday, but then what happened was that my mother saw that The Lone Ranger would air on television, not for the first time, you understand, but for the first time at an hour when she could actually watch it and go to bed decently enough to be up for her morning shift at work. 

Ergo, she then decided to splurge a little and turned on the HD setting on the big television in the living room, and what did yours truly do?

I siddled over and watched, duh. It was like watching in theatre!

That being said, I HAD seen the movie before, almost right after it came out, because I fell in love with the first trailer and the fact that this was the same team which had brought us Pirates of the Caribbean, Gore Verbinski at the helm. 

Who doesn't want some Wild West humour?! Plus, it has Armie Hammer, too. I mean, do you even need more reasons?

Our story begins in 1933 San Francisco (with the famous Golden Gate Bridge still being built in the background) when a young boy named Will visits a sideshow and one of what were supposed to be inanimate, lifelike dolls a la Madame Toussauds, comes to life.

It is none other than Comanche Native American Tonto, who mistakes Will (a boy idolising the legend of the Lone Ranger and wearing a similar mask over his eyes and a white hat) for 'Kemosabe', or the actual Lone Ranger he had ridden with.

After Will corrects that assumption, Tonto launches into his memories, telling the story of how the legend came to be.

In 1869, with the Transcontinental Railroad still in construction, lawyer John Reid is on his way home to Colby, Texas, on a train which is also carrying criminal Butch Cavendish and a much younger Tonto. Butch is supposed to hang for his crimes, but, you know how it goes in a Western - the bad guy HAS to escape first.

Which he does, although John and Tonto give it a valiant effort when it comes to preventing that, or stopping a crazy, runaway train which nearly impales them and squishes them.

Dan Reid, John's brother, deputises John as a Texas Ranger so that he can tag along with the others who are off to hunt down Cavendish. In the meantime, left behind are Dan's wife Rebecca, later revealed to be John's childhood sweetheart, and Dan Jr.

Unfortunately for our interpid heroes, one of them skinny weasels is a traitor; Collins leads them into an ambush where everyone is shot and killed, and Cavendish eats Dan's heart.

Yuck.

Also, did I say everyone is shot and killed?

My mistake.

Tonto finds the dead and buries them in graves, but a spirit horse brings John back from the dead as a so-called spirit walker, a man who cannot be killed (this is hilariously aluded to later when John gets shot by an arrow). Tonto, after arguing that it might be better if DAN be the one brought back, relents and decides to tag along, since he wants Cavendish dead just as much as John. He even calls him 'wendigo', an evil spirit of the desert.

Wearing a mask, apparently taken from Dan's vest and cut by the bullets that killed him, John returns to civilisation with Tonto to learn that the Comanche have broken the peace treaty and are raiding settlements. 

At a brothel, the madam, Red, tells them Dan and Collins had argued about a 'cursed' silver rock, but before they can get more information they're chased off.

Hurrying towards the river home Rebecca shared with Dan, the duo are too late to stop the supposed Comanche, but they learn in the process that it's not actually the Native Americans who're doing the raiding - someone is setting them up.

Meanwhile, Rebecca and Dan, abducted by Cavendish (ring bells yet?) are sentenced to be killed, but Collins tries to help them escape, only to get HIMSELF shot by Lathan Cole, a powerful man in employment by the Railroad who's had his eye on Rebecca for some time.

As the railroad continues to build, the heroes of the story follow a horse of a dead raider into the desert, where they find railroad tracks deep in Comanche territory. Before they can do anything about it though, they get themselves caught by said Comanche (and with that arrow I mentioned earlier).

There, Tonto's sad story is revealed: as a boy, he saved two men (one of them Cavendish) from death, and showed them a mountain full of silver ore in exchange for a pocket watch. This resulted in the slaughter of his entire village, as the men couldn't afford for anyone else to learn the secret, which drove Tonto just a little bit mad, and he has been seeking revenge ever since.

Left behind to the scorpions as the Comanche ride off to meet the American Cavalry, led by Captain Fuller, Tonto and John are rescued, once again, by John's horse, and head off to the silver mine.

There, they manage to catch Cavendish, but John still wants to follow the law and bring him to town for justice, whereas Tonto urges him to shoot the guy with the silver bullet fashioned from the badges of the dead Texas Rangers.

Leaving Tonto behind in a very Jack Sparrow-esque hit to the head, John does in fact bring Cavendish to Cole, but it's only revealed Lathan Cole is the other man in the Tonto drama equation, and John is sentenced to be shot, with Rebecca and Dan Jr. held hostage. Fuller sides with Cole after learning he had slaughtered the Comanche for nothing, so the only help John can hope for is Tonto.

Which is lucky, considering they bring him to the silver mine again, where Tonto does in fact rescue him while the Comanche attack, leading to the death of the whole tribe (more or less).

John realises he can only defeat Cole as the Lone Ranger, and puts the mask on again.

The initial beginning of the story with him and Tonto robbing a bank is finally explained, as they steal nytroglicerin and demolish a bridge meant for the railroad.

During the union ceremony, Cole attempts to take over the Railroad Company, only to have Tonto steal the train with the silver with the help of Red and her working women; Fuller, Cavendish and Cole give chase with the second train, on which Rebecca and little Dan are held captive. John, of course, follows on his faithful steed.

What follows is a classic Western stand-off with a high-speed train chase through the wild, wild West, with one runaway horse thrown in for good measure and Tonto jumping trains with the help of a ladder (obviously the ONLY way to do it, natch).

Cavendish and Fuller meet their end with the crash of wagons, John rescues Rebecca and Danny, and Tonto sends Cole off the broken bridge to drown under the silver he had accumulated, as just payment.

The town and railroad recognize the Lone Ranger's efforts in bringing justice, and tell him he has to take off the mask to take over an actual law enforcement job. John, however, declines, and rides off with Tonto after Rebecca promises he will always have a home with her and her son, should the badge he carries become too heavy for him.

Back in 1933, Will is sceptical about the truth in the story, but Tonto, who has spent most of the story-telling cleaning up a battered, modern-day suit (that looks a lot like John's clothes, worn as the Lone Ranger), finishes dressing and throws him a silver bullet, saying he has to decide for himself. Tonto then vanishes, with a crow suddenly appearing and flying off, presumably the dead one he had carried on his head (and fed, to the annoyance of everyone else) throughout the story.

And Will decides, heck, the whole thing WAS real.

The end!

Gosh, I loved this. Grittier than Pirates of the Caribbean in a way, it had all the nuance and humour of the high seas transplanted into the Wild West, and the cinematographic scope of old Clint Eastwood movies. Most of the humour was certainly provided by Johnny Depp's portrayal of Tonto, but Armie Hammer definitely held his own against the veteran actor as the rather clumsy and often naive John Reid.

William Fichtner deserves a special mention for his portrayal of Butch Cavendish, because to make such a handsome man so downright UGLY merits an award! And then there's James Frain - again, in a period piece. Gotta love the man.

Despite setbacks and controversies, I watched the movie for the sake of the movie and to have fun, and didn't think too deeply into it. If I did, EVERYTHING I watched and/or read would have to somehow be thrown out.

If you have yet to see this, I encourage you to do so, because, let's face it, a climbing horse is something you don't get in your life everyday!

xx

*images and video not mine