Review's Resort: Talkie Tuesday: Gladiator II

"What is the dream of Rome if her people are not free?"

Hello everyone!

And yes, once again, welcome back.

You didn't think I was actually going to leave you hanging and NOT drop a review of this movie, did you?

Considering I pretty much promised to watch and review it last week, it should be obvious by now that I try to keep my promises, as many as I possibly can in any event.

However circumstances were just a little bit different than how it was initially planned.

See, supposedly, I was supposed to go watch this in the cinema, but alas, that didn't happen, and I got to watch it on my big-ass home screen TV instead.

Either way.

It's time to head back to Ancient Rome and see what happens when you try to make a sequel to one of the best movies of all time. Back to the Colosseum, baby, in Gladiator II.

Links to previous related posts can be found at the bottom of the page, as per usual!

So as we all know, Gladiator rose to fame back in 2000 and crashed through every barricade put before it to dominate the charts and win a bunch of awards. Somehow or other, Ridley Scott then decided it'd be a really cool idea to make a sequel and ride the coattails of that success.

... but listen, any movie that needs to put in scenes from the original in its cold opening is bound to run into issues.

Anyway, we officially start off in Numidia where this random ass dude, Hanno (Mescal), and his wife Arishat, are having a moment when the alarm's sounded as the Roman Navy pops up on the horizon.

Led by General Acacius (Pascal), they lay siege to the city, literally parking their war ships underneath its walls, and then all hell breaks loose. Hanno attempts to give an inspiring, rousing speech, but it falls flatter than my pancake when I try flipping it with just the pan, no spatula involved, and then he sees his archer wife get shot because, spoiler alert, this is war, and people die.

This pisses Hanno off and he wants revenge at all cost. He's sold into slavery and bought by this Roman dude Macrinus (Denzel Washington), who spends the entire movie unable to decide whether he'll speak with a British or American accent. He also seems to think that Hanno displays signs of a hidden rage so vast it could level cities, but unfortunately, Hanno is basically mostly just stone-faced.

I'm not trying to be mean, but when Crowe's Maximus was silently raging, you could actually see it in the light tremble of his body and the way his teeth clenched, but Mescal just ain't it in this role, and couldn't act out rage if it was standing in front of him giving him directions.

But we continue to Rome, where Acacius has just returned and wants nothing more than to spend quality time with his wife Lucilla (a returning Connie Nielsen). She's basically been under house arrest since the events sixteen years ago because the Praetorian guard is apparently next to useless and WE JUST KNEW QUINTUS WASN'T GOING TO LISTEN TO MAXIMUS' FINAL WORDS, MKAY.

Conjecture. I have no clue WHAT exactly happened, but seeing as she was free as a bird by the end of the first movie and now a jailbird, well, that's the only guess I have.

Oh and also, the two stupid twin emperors, Geta and Caracalla, want Acacius to go invade India and Persia for them, as apparently nobody taught them any history and how even the Greeks failed epically in those battles.

Acacius wants nothing more than to retire and see no more war, and if he could go live off by a pond with a little green child juggling frogs, he'd be happy as a clam. So he tells his wife this needs to stop, and they meet up with the senators in secret to propose a coup.

You know, same old, same old: Acacius will send word to his legion camped at Ostia, they'll march into the city by the end of the games, five thousand strong, and they'll restore order so he can give the command back to the Senate.

E-he-he-he, Senator Gracchus (a criminally underused returning Derek Jacobi, who only gets a full three scenes) gives a nervous laugh, where have I heard this before?

That's right, fifteen or so years ago when Maximus had the same idea, but then again Acacius served under Maximus so, it tracks. Of course the plan gets totally derailed when Lucilla recognizes her son in the arena, and while he doesn't feel like having anything to do with mama dearest, she begs her husband to rescue him first, before they do anything else.

I actually commend her, because she'll do anything to keep Lucius/Hanno alive, including jeopardize other plans, but of course this is where they end up failing, as a dramatic entrance by the general is foiled when the Praetorian Guard kills all his entourage, and everyone else is taken captive, too.

Why and how?

Macrinus, who keeps popping up all over town, got the secret out of a senator who he's drowning with debt, and he ran off to the emperors to tell them. Acacius is sentenced to death in the arena, where he actually gets to fight Hanno, of all people, but he surrenders to the kid (after throwing him around a little, proving that there would have had to be some HARD work involved to actually kill YET ANOTHER SEASONED GENERAL), explaining he loves Lucilla, and loved Maximus.

Oh and FYI, in case this point's been missed, Maximus Decimus Meridius, the dude who rained hell down on Rome from within for the death of his wife and child, is somehow Lucius' dad.

I couldn't make this up if I tried. They even went back to retcon a scene from the original movie, and DO NOT come at me saying it's heavily implied throughout the first movie that the kid is Maximus'. It's really not.

But anyway, Hanno asks the spectators if the lives of heroes are worth so little in Rome nowadays, how little are THEIRS worth, then? It's not really the same as the entertainment speech at all, but at least Mescal shows a little life that time around.

With Acacius now dead and only Lucilla remaining, Macrinus goads Caracalla into killing his twin, for some more political intrigue, and then things go to hell in a handbasket.

Lucius is to defend his mother in the Colosseum against the Praetorian Guard, alone, but after receiving the ring his grandpapi, Marcus Aurelius, used to wear, and then after him Maximus and Acacius both, he sends said ring over to Acacius' army, which then marches straight to Rome. Not going to lie, though, even the 'Prince of Rome' speech lands very flat, but at least things are moving.

Freeing the other gladiators so he has some help in the arena when the showdown happens, Lucius unfortunately can't save his mother, whom Macrinus shoots with an arrow, but he can at least ride after the idiot and then confront him in between two advancing armies.

So they have a little one-on-one while the Praetorians and the soldiers watch, wondering if they should have brought popcorn. To no one's surprise, Lucius wins, and promises they can PROBABLY rebuild the dream of Rome his grandfather worked so hard for, if only they work together.

Afterwards, he mourns his parents at the Colosseum, and just to emphasise how much the original is still the superior movie, the final shot of Gladiator II is the actual opening shot of Gladiator. Take it as you will.

Even though the film is full of stunning visuals, and I enjoyed the paradox of such a gilded Rome that nevertheless hid such a rotten core beneath it in comparison, the storytelling is weak at best and completely bonkers at worst. Leaving aside the retcon, the scene of Lucilla suddenly yeeting out of the Colosseum with her son while Maximus is carried away makes no sense as literally EVERYONE can see her do it.

Equally, she's a woman of means in a high position of power, the daughter and sister of an emperor, so sending her son off into the unknown and NOT knowing where he was going or what happened to him makes zero sense. Despite her having sent him away, she should have been able to keep track of him fairly easily, not just, oh whoops, my bad, no clue where the boy went off to, and forget about him for 15 years.

Pedro looks about done with life in every scene he's in, and I can't decide if that's the direction he was given, or if he was ACTUALLY done with everything. It's a 50-50 chance, if you ask me.

And unfortunately, Mescal was miscast for this role. He might do well with quiet, introverted individuals, but Hanno required someone who had a much stronger screen presence. I'm not entirely sure who it could have been, but even Maximus' armour couldn't save him. I'm sure he's a good actor in his own right, but this role was way out of his scope and field, and most scenes with him fall very uninspiring, even though they're supposed to be uplifting.

As for Denzel ... eeeh. The man's good, no doubt about it, but he's not exceptional, at least not in this one.

All in all, the actors returning from the first movie were either criminally underused or somehow managed to play much stupider characters, and even the music, which is often times the saving grace, was very mid-tier at best. Harry Gregson-Williams might have learned his trade by Zimmer's side, but it's telling that the best track from the score is the one they re-used from the first one, Now We Are Free.

Overall, this movie isn't anything to write home about. It's got great shots and the CGI is definitely vastly improved, but that doesn't make the fights better, it actually somehow becomes LESS gritty than the first one, too clean and swish, and the general vibe is somehow off.