"Are you not entertained?"
Hello everyone!
I hope you said goodbye to the last one in good spirits, and that you're ready to take on all new challenges in this brand sparkly new one.
At least, I'm telling myself that. As well as trying to set reachable goals that won't break my spirit if I can't manage to achieve them! I've learned (a little bit the hard way) that I need to set more short-term ones, smaller ones, than try for the big guns all blazing because I'm less likely to be disappointed this way.
Or, well, that's my take on it!
Anyway, back to the show, which is to say, back to the regular reviews that have nothing to do with the holidays.
And I decided to start it off with a right banger.
So strap on your armour and hold on to your butts, because we're headed back to Ancient Rome, baby. It's time for Gladiator!
Now, a little explanation is in order: Gladiator is possibly one of my favourite historic movies, but I don't watch it that often. However, with the sequel currently showing in cinemas, and my coworkers and I supposedly heading off to see it this coming weekend, I thought to myself: before I go see how Pedro Pascal never learns his lesson about wearing a helmet, I should remind myself how Russel Crowe had no qualms pulling one on.
So we start off with a very Ridley Scott moment, wherein our Crowe aka Maximus is in the middle of nowhere Germania, realizing there won't be any more negotiations, and that he's about to throw hands with the tribes that refuse to submit to Rome.
And with that, we're off, even as Commodus and Lucilla, the children of current Emperor, Marcus Aurelius, are on their way to the main camp, with Commodus all aflutter. Daddy dearest is SURELY going to announce his succession!
Ahahahaha, welp, this is where it all goes horribly wrong.
See, the emperor is an idiot on multiple fronts, even if you occasionally think he might have some salt left, but he actually wants MAXIMUS to take the reins of the empire and eventually hand it back to the senate - which is, the people.
Senatus Populusque Romanus, and all that jazz.
Maximus, in the meantime, wants nothing more than to go home to his wife and child and harvest his wheat. It's actually miraculously hilarious how everyone around him refuses to believe that's ALL that he wants. But it's the truth!
And yet.
The emperor tells his megalomaniac son with daddy issues he ain't all that and won't be ruling, ergo the son does what sons have done pretty much since the dawn of time: kills his dad, makes sure everyone believes ole dude died in his sleep, and then has Maximus' right-hand betray him so that they can get rid of the meddlesome general everybody and their grandma loves.
... keep in mind, Maximus WOULD have retired, quietly and peacefully, and caused no fuss, but nooo, Commodus had to go and destroy both his livelihood and his family.
Depressed, he's pretty much ready to die by the time a random slaver caravan picks him up and puts him on sale with the rest of the cattle (important to note that the slaver is the same guy who plays the prison warden in the first Mummy movie - I never picked up on this little detail until my current rewatch and CRACKED. UP.).
There, he's sold to Proximo, who participates in gladiator games on the outskirts of the Roman empire, since Aurelius banned the games from Rome. Turns out, despite wanting to die, Maximus isn't all that keen on actually biting it, so he emerges as a dang good fighter (I mean, come on, this guy wasn't in charge of the fabled Felix legions in this universe for nothing), learns that Commodus is hosting games to honour his father, and decides ... you know what? I wanna punch the punk in the face.
So off to Rome he goes, and Scott gives us possibly one of the best sequences ever written as Joaquin Phoenix squares off with Crowe in the sandy arena, asking who the hell this awesome gladiator is, and Crowe flattens him with just a few lines that have since gone down in cinema history:
"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, and loyal servant to the TRUE emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."
INSTANT. CHILLS.
Commodus realizes that, welp, he's been lied to, and actually, nobody REALLY respects him, fears him, or loves him.
It's lonely at the top, too, especially since, while his sister Lucilla does her best in placating him and keeping him calm, she's secretly scheming behind his back with Senator Gracchus to get this guy the hell off the throne.
And Maximus surfacing again is just the calling card they need.
They want to somehow use him to get rid of Commodus, but our general is initially SO not into it he almost kicks Lucilla right out of his cell. Turns out, these two have history between them, and both hurt the other, and oh also he really ain't into whatever she's selling.
Then, as Commodus intentionally ramps up the game intensity, trying (in vain, as it turns out) to kill Maximus, whom the people ACTUALLY love and respect, Maximus sees his former aide-de-camp, Cicero, who informs him the legions are fat and bored without him, and still loyal, so all he has to do is show up, and hey presto! all problems solved.
Ahahaha, Gracchus laughs nervously at their next meeting, where Maximus is ready to play ball, you're NOT actually considering marching an army in Rome, where no army has gone before, right?
Got a better idea? says Maximus' face, and in the end, well, no, they don't, but unfortunately, since Commodus had every senator followed, he arrests Gracchus, threatens Lucilla, has Cicero killed and Maximus tied up underneath the Colosseum, with all their efforts in vein.
Then, because he was born an idiot and will die an idiot, he declares HE will duel Maximus. Right after fatally stabbing him to give himself a shot at winning, that is.
I swear, every villain ever who has EVER thought they'll beat the hero of the story just by trying to one-up them, always crashes and burns so hard. Despite literally dying, Maximus is still ten times the fighter Commodus is, so naturally he ends up killing the guy. It helps that the right-hand who initially betrayed him smells which way the wind's turning and makes sure nobody hands their sword over to the raging emperor after he loses his own.
Then he pspsps-s at Maximus when the guy's pretty much trying to reach his loved ones in the afterlife, telling him to get it together, they're in public!
Maximus literally yanks himself up by the straps of his sandals, gives out a few declarations as to how things should be run, according to what Aurelius actually wanted, then promptly drops like a stone, even as Lucilla runs on over. Having mostly smoothed out their differences (and kissed once for old times' sake), she's there to send him off into the afterlife, and demands to know if Rome is worth the life of one good man.
Better make us believe it again, Gracchy boy, or woe on you!
They carry the fallen off, conspicuously leaving the emperor's body behind, and the movie ends with Maximus' BFF from the gladiator school (which, unfortunately, also got attacked in the aftermath of the betrayal, and plenty of them died) burying the two figurines in the Colosseum, the ones Maximus carried with him for his wife and child, promising that he'll see Maximus again someday - but not yet.
Then the camera pans out over the massive structure, and if you haven't shed a few tears while watching this movie at some point or other, then you have to be made of literal stone.
Considering this was shot at the tail end of the 90s for the year 2000 release, it holds up ASTONISHINGLY well to current movies, and nails the story with grit, emotional investment, and brilliant cinematography. Say what you want, but there's a reason this movie was such a big hit in its day, and why they're trying to ride on the coattails of its fame by making Gladiator II.
I'm going into that one with few expectations, but I'll say this right off the bat: if it's not 'My name is ...' then I don't want it. LOL.
10/10 recommend you see this one, because it has it all, fantastic score by Hans Zimmer, impeccable acting by everyone all around, and a great chance to escape the mundane daily life for a few hours. Because remember: death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back.
xx
*images and video not mine
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