"Cowabunga!"
Hello everyone!
Since I don't watch nearly enough television, I figure it's natural I might have missed it.
But I went to visit a really good friend of mine and after we finished watching a hilarious talk show, we switched to this other channel and lo and behold! there was this movie that I had totally forgotten about until then.
And yeah, I've reviewed it before, but it's been years. I figured I could take another look at it and see whether or not my thoughts are any different than they were at the beginning.
Also, there can never be enough turtles in your life. Ever.
Figured out what I'll be talking about yet?
Cowabunga, everyone, make room for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!
Links to my previous posts will be at the bottom of this page, as per usual.
For any of you who don't know: TMNT are, as the name says, teenagers, mutants, ninjas, and turtles, not necessarily in that order. It's how they identify themselves and, really, they're teenagers just from looking at them. There's no way they're adults yet, not with THAT behaviour!
Hasbro has been in the turtle market for a long, long time now, because I can remember watching a cartoon of these turtles when I was little.
Now I feel like I've graduated up enough to get to the big leagues, and watch the movies.
With Megan Fox and William Fichtner leading the live action cast, what have you got to lose?
We begin our story with a voice-over in which someone is explaining to his "sons" that te Foot Clan are trying to take control of New York, and that one day, said sons will be able to stop them. But for now they have to watch and learn and not put their heads up, because people would be afraid of them, so they have to stick to the shadows - and the sewers.
(I'm still under the influence of seeing Cain down in the New York sewers last week on the Shadowhunters episode, so now I'm wondering whether Cain ever saw them big ass turtles running around jamming to hip hop music.)
Meanwhile, April O'Neil, inspiring journalist extraordinaire, needs to not be a chicken but pretend to be a seagull for this little thing she's making for Channel 6 as one of the sort of airy anchors (you know the type, they're there to mostly just look pretty and try to sell stuff, but no one really wants to take them seriously). She wants to make more from her life, however, because she's chasing down a story about the Foot Clan, and her camera guy, Vern, is totally killing her vibe telling her they have an actual job to do.
Side note, with a name like the Foot Clan, how can ANYONE take these people seriously? I thought they'd sound cool in original Japanese at least, but Footookama or whatever it was pronounced as sounds just as bad.
Anyway.
April is definitely on to something, however, because she goes down to the docks in the night to chase down a lead, and, April, honey, when you only have a bicycle, you kind of need to call the police, first. But instead, she thinks she sees someone fighting back against the Clan, and now she has a vigilante theory.
Ooh yeah!
Except, nobody believes her.
To be fair, however, I wouldn't believe her either, no matter that she actually sees these vigilantes after the Clan organise a second attack in the subway to draw them out, because this Master Shredder wants them gone, and I mean yesterday.
April gets face to face with four ginormous turtles, swoons, and takes some photos even after they already swiped her phone clean, but for some reason unknown to the viewers she doesn't actually show those photos to her editor, making herself sound insane and gets fired, so then what she does is the next best thing (in her opinion).
She goes after Eric Sacks, her father's old partner.
See, dad and Sacks were working on something together in their lab before there was a fire one night and April's dad died. But April also remembers she was the one who named the test subjects, namely Splinter the rat, and the four turtles: Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michelangelo.
And now she tells Sacks that the test subjects are alive and well, and he explains about the mutagen he was developing with her father so that they could potentially create an antidote against some sort of disease that no one has seen yet, but might attack humans someday.
Yeah. We see where this is going, Sacks. Pretty much everyone around the globe went BUT WHY SHARP, WHYYYY???
See Armageddon for further references to the why.
April feels like she's finally getting somewhere (her roommate wants to move away from the crazy, though) when she gets a second visit from the turtles, who, under orders from their sensei (the rat, if you're wondering) bring her to their home, where Splinter explains that, after April saved them the night of the fire, and the mutagen started changing them, he decided to be a father to the turtles and teach them how to defend themselves, so he studied the ancient art of ninjutsu and taught it to them.
Also, by the way, Sacks is not a friend, in case you're still wondering. He just wants the mutagen.
And he gave April a card that'll lead his people right to them all.
Naturally, a fight ensues, wherein Shredder himself makes an appearance in a totally overkill suit no self-respecting Samurai would ever deign to wear, but he nearly kills Splinter and takes Leo, Donnie and Mikey captive (Raph, in true Raph fashion, was a typical bruiser and got himself buried under a ton of rocks).
Together with April though, they go to free his brothers, and hijack Vern along the way, because who else is nutty enough to drive their car up to Sacks' place?
No one. That's who.
They're slightly too late, however, as Sacks has already extracted just enough blood from the three turtles so he can produce the antidote, but only AFTER Shredder unleashes the virus on New York, at which point Sacks Industries will emerge as a saviour, and Sacks and Shredder (who practicaly raised Sacks in Japan) will rule as overlords.
Good plan, Sacks. Good plan.
You forgot to count your turtles though, as Raph goes in to save his brothers, ends up fighting Shredder, and April and Vern free up the other three by overdosing them with adrenaline so they can bust out of their cages.
In typical teenage fashion, they then trip their way out of the lab and have Vern drive them out in a truck so they can try and stop Shredder from destroying New York with the virus - with some of Shredder's ninjas in hot, snowy pursuit.
The truck goes waaay off course down a snowy slope, the turtles get electrocuted and use their shells as sleighs to drive down, and I wonder how on Earth I never figured out before-hand that Vern has a thing for April? How did I not see this during my previous viewings of the movie?? It's way too obvious to miss even BEFORE he admires her butt in them tight jeans while she's leaning out the truck window to film something on her phone.
April, love, stop filming and START THINKING ABOUT SAVING YOURSELF!
The turtles have time to argue on their sled down, and Leo breaks it up with a shriek about a CLIFF AHEAD, gunning to grab April and Vern from the now out-of-control truck, still ending up over the edge and hanging by his katana while Mikey bemoans their demise (and Raph delivers the movie's most hilarious line ever).
Finally all together and without pursuit after leaving them in the snow, the gang go into the sewers and reach Sacks building where the turtles go to fight Shredder (coming up with a beat on their way up in the elevator and shrieking like the true ninjas they are after), and April and Vern go to grab the mutagen from Sacks so they can try and save Splinter (April's voice keeps getting higher and higher throughout the movie, and could someone tell me when she had time to reapply her lipgloss? During the sewer ride over???).
Vern does a stupidly heroic thing and gets himself shot, but April does get the mutagen, and the turtles work together to toss Shredder off the building so they can then rollercoaster their own way off after the top of the tower breaks off.
Raphs gets emotional (heck, I got emotional!) and they disappear into the sewers to get the mutagen to Splinter, who just makes it (and could you big teenage louts not squash him with your feet by accident?). April and Vern meet up in a shady part of town, with Vern's new car (the van didn't make it, sadly) and the turtles organising a special appearance.
Sadly, the new car doesn't make it. Mikey still needs to learn what button does what.
That's okay though, there's always the subway!
xx
*images and video not mine
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